Forgivnees. Post 4 of 5.

As I look at my past there are not a lot of people I have had to forgive. I have been surrounded by people who I love and trust and visa versus. The quality of my family and friends is beyond the best imaginable. I am blessed for this and thank God on a regular basis.

Upon my move to Northern Minnesota I became internally unhappy even being in the presence of my new husband and pregnant with our first child. I was happy to be with him and excited to meet our daughter, but I left my familiar surroundings, caring family/friends and wonderful job behind. My internal unhappiness affected my mental well being and my new marriage. At the time I wasn’t aware of any of this. I had met new friends quickly, was content in my job, although knew I was not feeling fulfilled, and was excited about our new home, but I didn’t radiate the most positive vibes, or so I am told.

Stella was born, Emery arrived and a couple of job opportunities came my way. Life was looking up. The stresses of being a new mom settled down some. Somehow, though, the hectic vibes that came from a move to a new town, melting two lives into a marriage, and two pregnancies had put my relationship with my husband in a tough spot. When Emery was two I started to become “me” again. Hormones? Maybe. Me just figuring out the new me? Maybe. Whatever it was I felt more normal and more aware of my emotions and my life.

I saw a couple of therapists. I was reading self help books. Tried to find yoga again. Took to essential oils. I saw a couple of doctors and things still did not appear right. I was wanting to try anything to make me a better person and a better spouse after a few years of feeling abnormal. I won’t dive into any more details other than this for the sake of other’s privacies, but other things happened last spring and summer that caused me to focus even more on how to be “better”. Our church had provided us with the book “Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody” by Allen R. Hunt. It sat on our shelves for awhile and then I had a sudden pull to read it. I read each chapter with a journal and pen next to me. I answered the questions it asked, I meditated and I journaled my thoughts. This book helped me to forgive myself and the people that had caused me to feel uneasy, disrespected and unloved. These were feelings I was not used to feeling. Hardly, ever, in my 30 some years of living had I been made to feel the way I felt. These feelings were from others affecting me as well as me becoming very negative and hard on myself. This book helped me to understand the actions of forgiving and not having to necessarily trust again until it was/is the right time.

God asks us to forgive. I have been blessed with a good life, a loving life, a safe life. I have thrived off of the love and positivity that my life has brought me. I am continuously working in bringing this back to myself, my husband and to our daughters.

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